Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
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Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Life is a suicide mission.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Needless to say…*
*mic drop