Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
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Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.