Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
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Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.