friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
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In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”