friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
You Might Also Like
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
same bro
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
iPhone X
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Ah..makes sense now
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.