Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
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me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Pigeon open mic night.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.