Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
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The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
The struggle is real.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician