FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
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5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Bread puns are on the rise!
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
was Jim off killing horses or…
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*