FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
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Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
So, can we agree on 4 or
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.