FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
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[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.