FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
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We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
when you don’t want to be too vague
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
an octopus is just a wet spider
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.