Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
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The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.