Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
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I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.