FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
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Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
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The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.