Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
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*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words