friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
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Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
<- sleeps well with others
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.