friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
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Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so