FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
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Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
*Inspirational Tweets*
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.