FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
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cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Happens to everyone.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books