as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
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I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
cause of death:
autopsy.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.