don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
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Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.