FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
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Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
A cabbage a day keeps people away.