The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
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Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
this is so top tier i cant
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.