Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
You Might Also Like
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
this is literally a CIA plant
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful