Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
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Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.