Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
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Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
dude it’s called proctologist
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Who chose this font
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”