Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
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[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
My last name is Zilla.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.