FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
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my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?