Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
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Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated