FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
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*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies