FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
You Might Also Like
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
what day is it?
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.