Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
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The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack