Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
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SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I’d … I’d rather not.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.