Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
You Might Also Like
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
🙂🙃🥹
🤣dope
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word