Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
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“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.