Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
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Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?