FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
#FunnyLife Insects
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly