Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
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I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Siri: Retweet me.