Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
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I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
That time Alicia messaged me
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.