Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
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“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.