Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
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I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.