Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
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I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?