i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
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[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
taking June’s advice to heart
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.