FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
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My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Lmfaoooooo
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*