Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
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But that’s none of my business
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.