Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
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Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa