Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
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Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!