Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
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Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that