My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
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Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.