Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
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Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Where’s my employee discount too?
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]