@LionJenkins: Friendly advice: Don't compare your girlfriend to an avocado. Even if she IS the good kind of fat.
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@sarahyehia82: Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
@Home_Halfway: Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.
@hrtbps: My New Year's resolution is *removes sunglasses* 2048x1080. I'll explain. *perches on desk* You see, the word 'resolution' can also refer t