@LionJenkins: Friendly advice: Don't compare your girlfriend to an avocado. Even if she IS the good kind of fat.
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@kentgrossarth: Her: 'Do I look, like, fat?' Brain: no,no,no,no Brain: Of course not. Brain: Say SOMETHING Mouth: 'Like a fat what?' Brain: Oh dear God
@KevinFarzad: Ways I'm like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
@EndhooS: Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn't get her feet wet] GF: you could have used your own coat
@IamEnidColeslaw: I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze